So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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