**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
