I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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