i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
