I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So I just went to clothing optional bar
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
