you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize