I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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