My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
