you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
