...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i will never coherently bang her
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
