i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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