I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
