the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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