Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
