I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
