Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
