mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
