I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
