i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I didn't notice because vodka
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
