Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
