y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
