I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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