she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize