Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
