just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
