she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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