so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
