The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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