we made out on top of his cat.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
