before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
