I met the friendliest cop last night
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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