In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
