i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
