I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
