I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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