Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize