I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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