I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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