Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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