My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
