I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
