Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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