Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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