Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
