I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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