Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
