Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
