everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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