i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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