I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
