Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize