watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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