I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
