After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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