He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
