If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
