my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
