Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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