Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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