I'm pants shitting drunk right now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
