my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I didn't notice because vodka
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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