Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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