We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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