i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
